listen up

preface: laura (john's girlfriend) went to norcal to look at stanford and berkeley law school. so my mom sent some stuff back with her for myself and john.

so this morning i sat in my living room, watching t.v., eating pumpkin bread, and drinking pellegrino that i stole/got from john.



i want norcal. i swear, thanksgiving seems farther and farther away every day.

rollerflakes

last night we went to disneyland! and it was amazing! we = kacie, brooke, me, and kacie's friend dawn met us there but we didn't hang out very much. space mountain was AMAZING. and i got totally freaked out on indiana jones. note to self: never sit in the driver seat (front left). brooke got SOAKED on splash mountain (like... full frontal soakage. the likes of which i have never seen before), and we ate a really good cookie ice cream sandwich. it is DEFINITELY the happiest place on earth.

treat williams

today i wasn't assertive. and the entire time i was like, "i should say something." I knew i was tired and anything I said would sound like i was upset... but i'm mostly upset that i didn't say anything.


my bike pedal was broken so i took it to get fixed and the guy basically tried to press it back together (the plastic-y part had gotten off the axle) and i was like, "yeah i don't think that's how it came off in the first place, and trying to push it back together isn't helping, it's only warping the pedal." but he kept trying. until finally the metal part was so bent he couldn't do anything about it. then a new pedal wouldn't go on. so i bought entirely new pedals. yeah it was like $6...

but at the same time i just should have told him to stop messing up the pedal and try something more intelligent. for instance, disassembling it and putting it back together. using an identical pedal from the shop as an example.



as my mom would say, "it is obvious that he's not an engineer."

and it's obvious that i'm a wimp who needs to be more assertive when I'm tired.

checks and balances

i had somewhat of an epiphany during art tonight. and by epiphany i mean my thinking that ended up somewhere productive and true, not something convoluted and wrong.

i am BLESSED. i am THANKFUL. and the only way that i can stay how i am, happy with my life and being put to good use by god is to be thankful. i wish i would explain it better. i wish i'd written/painted it all out on my practice pad. but i didn't... i was drawing wisteria.

and i can't function without the things i have: my family, my friends, my intellect and ability to reason. but i can't live without being thanksful for these things, and acknowledging them for what they are. i want to live in truth. i have to seek the truth. i have to acknowledge the truth.

truth: god is good. he is good to me and he is good to you. and his love allows his grace. and i'm covered and surrounded by both.


thank you for my family. thank you for my mom and the godly woman that she is. thank you for giving me an example. i never thought i wanted to be like her until i realized that she is her own person only because of you.

thank you for my friends. thank you for giving me people who hold the same beliefs, who can reflect and strengthen my faith. thank you all my friends, regardless of what they believe about the world, that they are funny and love me and i love them back. thank you for putting me with them.

thank you for my economic position. seriously. thank you. thank you for keeping me close when i start to drift or willingly paddle away. thank you for taking me back even when i told you that's the last thing i wanted.

thank you for my intelligence. and thank you for being with me there. thank you for being all around me. thank you for your word and your faithfulness. thank you for everything. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

thank you for being a god who gives and gives. thank you that i will continue to say 'thank you' as long as i live and breathe. thank you for that knowledge. thank you.


EDIT: ok this is why it came up. i know how to write a virus, i learned in my like 8th week of programming class. and i know all these ways to kill myself and others from materials science (everything is either toxic or carcinogenic it seems...) and i know a lot of other people know how to do those things. but we don't. and everytime i'm thinking mean thoughts i'm like, "no. i am thankful for the world. and for my being here. i'm not going to ruin that." so being thankful keeps me in check and reminds me what's really going.

segmentation fault

anyone who doesn't believe that girls synchronize is a stupid poo-head lump.

and anyone who doesn't recognize that i am simply the victim of circumstance and misplaced hormones has no soul.

timely notice

is it just me or do the crime reports seem to be getting more during daylight hours, and closer to my apartment? what happened to 3 a.m. on scarff? now it's 3 p.m. on 30th... *locks deadbolt*

ho ho ho

my mom's side of the family always sends out a newsletter. we're way techy apparently, and put it on a website. and we have a gift exchange lined up, so i was perusing my cousin sam's christmas list deciding what to get him.

i would also like to point out that length of christmas list has an inverse relationship with age. while sam's list had 18 items, (though, in his defense, 'money' and 'dirt bike' were both listed twice), mine had 6 or 7, my dad's had three items:

Long sleeve canvas or twill shirt, button down, XL
Tweed cap 7 ¼
Electric staple gun

i don't know... just thought the combo was wierd. especially thinking about how the above items could be used simultaneously... i'll leave you to it.

things i have learned today

i'm sure there will be more.

#1: it is possible to have a bitch fight over email. one cutting line at a time.

#2: i truly cannot pick out produce.

#3: pears from a can taste... metallic... and degrading.

#4: "a nasty incident happened last year when somebody forgot the melting point of aluminum" (oh yes materials science)

vanilla

either someone's burning a ginerbread scented candle at a close proximity.... OR I'VE CAUGHT THE CHRISTMAS FEVER!!

move over thanksgiving!! i'm ready for the CHRISTMAS!!!





(such fools you are that believe in more than 4 hours of sleep per night...)

hm

it's almost 4... i'm wondering if it's worth it to go to bed or just stay up all night. see this is why i don't trust my judgment late at night. (for example, walking home at 3:30 a.m. ...)

PIRATES!!!!

but seriously. pirates.

you owe me nothing in return

i went to my masc discussion at 3:30, but the TA hadn't picked up the midterm, so she decided to go over the midterm, but no one knew what they got wrong (though, guessing from my score of 45, i'd say it's "all of them"), so i just left. and i rode by heritage hall where song girl tryouts are starting in 7 minutes.

they are all beautiful

i am not beautiful

and they all have long hair that they can wear down because it still looks good

i cannot wear my hair down without its clinging to my face and looking gross

they were all skinny

i am not skinny

and they had those spandexy dance pants

i don't own spandexy dance pants

which they can all wear with confidence

i can't pull off spandexy dance pants





i'll never be a song girl.

it's bucky time

john came over for lunch. actually i ate some lunch and he read the paper and we talked about girlfriends and how our extended family makes fun of me because i don't have a boyfriend. then he took a get fuzzy book and went on his merry way.


this morning i went to bel air and i had a cute outfit, but it was sort of cold so half-way through the sermon i put my sweater on, and you know how it's always awkward trying to put on a sweater (like, one that zips up in the front) when you're sitting down. and the lady behind me pulled the hood up so it was easier. maybe that sounds wierd when it's written down, but it was awesome. i love you old lady. and thank you god (but literally, thank you, God) that i'm going to bel air where i have wonderful people i don't know who help me put me sweater on. thank you thank you thank you.

hang on sloopy

after i found out that i got a 45 on my masc midterm, i decided it was time to get out of my apartment. so i took my bike out and eventually ended up at the new 3-2. i'm sure it has a name, but... for now it's the new 3-2. and i love it. it's so clean, and the produce is definitely edible.

i don't really know how to pick out produce. my dad is really good at it, and brooke said once some bum outside trader joe's told her that watermelons that sound hollow when you hit them are the best. who knows. either way i can't pick out produce.

but i really wanted apples, and i was willing to risk it. i found the ones that look like the kind i like (fuji? maybe?) and would pick one out, look at it as if i knew what i was looking for, and put it in my bag, as if the apple had passed the test. i haven't tested them yet, though... so i don't know if i succeeded.

i also made awesome gingerbread cookies (from a mix, are you kidding?) and yes, you can totally have some.

snort

today was good... overall. math midterm = ok. masc midterm = crap on a crap cracker. jep application = good. i feel confident.

ERIC VISITING = AWESOME. i love eric i love eric i love eric. and then ben called! i love ben i love ben i love ben. then they went to azusa and i couldn't because of the work i have to do. i hate work i hate work i hate work.


my posts no longer make sense. i should sleep some time. maybe. just a thought.

utilities

loving the new ashlee simpson album... some things never change...

"Hymn" (Jars of Clay)

okay, first i apologize for all the pms-ness that has been plaguing this blog. i feel a lot better today. but hey, i'm moody so watch out.

second, huzzah for andrew at ago/whoever picked this out because i love this song. even if i don't understand all of it.

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance around your throne
My life by captured fare you own

Not siilhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I''ll pirouette upon mine grave
For in your path I'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But now when love be pointed king
And truth shall thee forever reign


Sweet Jesus carry me away
From col of night and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

please

would people just be ruled by reason alone for a while? i'm not asking for much. maybe just one day. and then people would realize how wonderful it is. reason. just think about it. then start respecting my time!!


i'm pissed and it's almost 2 in the morning. gosh DARN you menstruation!! and i know these thoughts don't make sense.

sorry

that last post was fun, but very profane. i'm sorry.

but next time i think i can ride a bike in a skirt, i should practice first! before flashing a good portion of the usc student body!! in my defense, when i bought the bike i promised brooke i'd ride it with a skirt on and flash everybody. oh how cruel is irony.

i'm gonna swear so cover your eyes

dear street closures,

fuck you.

love,
me


dear arrays,

fuck you.

love,
me


dear TA's who know we haven't had a lecture on arrays and expect us to write a program about them in lab,

fuck you.

love,
me


dear riding a bike with a skirt on,

fuck you

love,
me


dear 2 midterms a paper a program and a job application this week,

fuck you

love,
me


dear everything ever,

FUCK YOU.

love,
me



dear lindy,

haha in your face. you're pissed and breaking out and can't do a thing about it.

love,
your period